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3/5/2018 7:25:00 PM
COMMENTARY: Everybody needs weapon of war

Kelly Hawes, Pharos-Tribune CNHI News Indiana Columnist

I have been way off base on the subject of gun control. I honestly don’t know what I was thinking.

Because of the thoughtful responses I’ve received from gun rights advocates, I now realize the error of my ways.

How could I have been swayed by those Florida teenagers spouting off on gun policy? What do they know? They’re high school kids!

Oh, I know the terror these students felt as a gunman wandered the hallways, but how does that make them experts on gun regulations? How can hiding in a closet wondering whether you’ll live or die qualify anyone to talk about who should and who shouldn’t have access to a gun?

I mean, I understand those messages sent back and forth between frightened teenagers and their parents were heartbreaking, but come on. Should things like that really lead to changes in state and federal law?

And where do these kids get off lecturing their elected representatives on how their campaigns are funded? What difference does it make to them how much money a U.S. senator might receive from the National Rifle Association?

And don’t get me started on these parents who lost their children to gun violence. Who are they to tell the rest of us what sort of weapons we should own?

We can’t have hysterical people making decisions for millions of lawabiding citizens.

It’s simply unreasonable to suggest a limit to my Second Amendment rights just because a perfectly legal weapon wound up in the wrong hands. Surely we all recognize by now that the problem is not the gun. It’s the person who pulled the trigger.

The answer is not fewer weapons. It’s more of them.

We don’t need to keep guns out of schools. We need more guns in schools.

I just can’t overstate how wrong I was to challenge the idea of arming teachers. Sure, we need math teachers who know about math, but we also need physics teachers who know how to handle a pistol.

Surely these crazed killers will think twice about walking into a school to slaughter children if they know the guy with the mop bucket might be armed.

We need to stop teaching kids to throw their books at an armed intruder.

We need a few more cafeteria workers packing heat.

I have seen the light.

I know now how wrong I’ve been to question the need for any private citizen to own a weapon of war. And really, why should we stop at assault-style rifles?

I mean seriously. Why shouldn’t I be able to buy a working cannon for my front yard? Oh, I know, what you’re thinking. The neighbors might well be upset about what is no doubt a violation of homeowners association rules, but hey, I have a right to protect myself.

In fact, I think I need a tank.

I’m guessing equipment like that might be a little expensive for me to buy on my own, but maybe the neighbors would pitch in.

Who wouldn’t want a tank in the neighborhood? We could all take turns driving it around on the weekends. Oh, I understand it might be hard on the pavement, but hey, you have to admit it would keep away the bad guys.

And if we’re really going to have a well regulated militia, we need some other weapons, too. I have my eye on one of those anti-aircraft guns. Those things are pricey, I’m sure, but maybe I could get a deal on one that is slightly used.

And a bazooka. Everybody needs a bazooka.

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• EDITORIAL: Setting guns aside: Let teachers teach

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