Julie Rosenbaum-Engelhardt, Special to the Courier & Press
NEWBURGH – Long-haul COVID-19 transformed me from avid runner, a two-times-a-week exercise instructor and all-around people person to a virtual recluse.
The thought of driving five days a week to attend classes at the University of Southern Indiana never used to bother me. But that’s ancient history.
It’s all so frustrating because I'd been careful since the beginning of the pandemic. I always wore a mask and had food delivered. The only time I was unmasked was around the house, of course, and outside at the park or the running track.
More:What you need to know now about omicron, the newest COVID variant
When I was furloughed from Newburgh Magazine and the Warrick Standard newspaper because of the pandemic and could no longer safely conduct exercise classes, I was at a loss. Writing and teaching exercise classes had given me autonomy.
That all changed last December. I fell asleep on the floor by the side of the bed as I had started to get up and go to the bathroom. I lay there for two hours. My husband could not get me up. All he could do was put a blanket over me.
He reached out to friends by phone, including a doctor. They urged him to get me to the emergency room. When I finally relented, I insisted I had to change clothes, brush my hair and put on some lipstick. But I fell asleep on the bathroom floor as the water faucet above the sink began to overflow.
Later, I finally got dressed, but fell asleep in a chair. We finally made it to the ER at Deaconess Gateway and I had a temperature of 104.8 degrees. I had pneumonia and COVID-19. I spent four days in the hospital, unable to see visitors. I couldn’t be me. Luckily, I didn't wind up in intensive care. All those years of healthy eating and running and exercising had kept me strong enough to fight off the virus.
As I started my recovery, I sometimes went to bed at 7 p.m. I gradually got better physically, but mentally? That's another story.
I’m not afraid to drive, but I can’t get myself to get behind the wheel. The few times I did drive, I was fine. Still, I'm too nervous to drive at night.
I was eventually able to return to running -- it was the only thing that kept me going during the pandemic. I could put in my earphones, listen to music, and tune out the world as I went for a run. This was my escape, and a way to get back into real life at the same time.
More:'Another horrible message': How ending COVID public health emergency could impact Indiana
After all these months, however, long-haul COVID still lingers. I think about putting a robe over my nightgown because my sons are in the next room. But my sons haven’t lived in my home for more than 20 years.
I can’t enjoy television shows I used to like because my mind wanders.
I can’t enjoy writing.
Once, I had been talking to a friend on the phone before I took a bubble bath. Shortly thereafter, my husband was helping me out of the bath and – for a moment – I thought he was my friend, Karen. Thinking I was still talking to her, I said, “I don’t usually have trouble getting out of the bathtub.” My husband did not react because he knew that I was suffering from long haul and sometimes said things that made no sense.
Again thinking I was talking to Karen, I said: “Do you and your mom enjoy watching (the PBS show) ‘Call the Midwife’?”
Looking at me in wonderment, my husband said, “Julie, we watch it all the time.”
Recently, when my husband was in the other room making coffee, I was on the bed playing with my dog and started saying, “mom, mom, mom.” My mother died at a young age and has been gone for several years.
Nothing makes me happy, Nothing makes me feel like myself.
'Long-haul COVID' takes a toll
Though most Americans may be able to return to normality, 10% to 30% still experience debilitating symptoms months after being infected with COVID-19, according to the New England Journal of Medicine. It stated that current numbers and trends indicate that long-haul COVID could be our next public health disaster.
“It’s really hard to go forward,” said Dr. Ken Spears, former Health Officer at the Vanderburgh County Health Department. “It affects everyone differently. Unfortunately, depression is part of it.”
Steve Luzader, a licensed social worker and family therapist, said many people who feel relief about surviving COVID find that feeling shattered by the persistence of (or return of) symptoms weeks or months following what they thought was recovery.
“Whether the depressive symptoms and or anxiety they feel is part of the illness or a reaction to the indeterminate nature of long COVID is not known,” Luzader said. “What we do know is that treatment is indicated and many find some relief as a result. Cognitive behavioral therapy along with various mindfulness techniques may be helpful. Using planners and journals to assist with memory deficits may also be helpful.”
As with most episodes of anxiety, self-calming techniques and not accommodating the anxiety is important, he said.
“People who accommodate anxiety often become incapacitated by it. Facing it and challenging it can help people restore some of the control over their life that they fear is lost,” Luzader said.
After I got vaccinated, I felt better, but still wasn’t driving or going out much. I took one trip to the hairdresser.
A few weeks ago, things got worse. As I began feeling a little more like me, thinking a little more clearly, thinking this was the week I was going to write more, drive more and exercise more, disaster struck. My dog Strummer sometimes hesitates before going out to the fenced-in backyard. I joined my husband trying to coax the dog outside but missed the step and fell to the concrete. My nose gushed blood for half an hour. I thought I twisted my ankle terribly.
X-rays revealed a fracture. I have spent countless hours icing my ankle, keeping it on the hassock and wearing a protective boot when I go anywhere. I’m more depressed than ever.
Limp or no limp, I’ll find a way to get through this. I’m not losing my mind, just my dexterity. My husband has been able to work from home for the most part, which is a Godsend. It helps ease my anxiety.
Whenever you have to go through a hard time physically or mentally, if you have good friends to talk to, a spouse who does virtually everything for you, and the desire to go back to who you were, you can make it.
However -- take it from somebody who’s been going through this (I know there are much worse things) -- when you feel like you’re losing yourself, you feel like you’re losing everything.