Editor's note
In compliance with a ruling from the National Labor Relations Board (NLRB), the staff of Who Gets What has been given a lump of coal, an orange, and uncompensated leave for the duration of the holidays.
With all the post-election distractions, I was late for my annual visit with Elvin Elfenhousen, Santa’s lead helper and public relations representative.

“How’s things?” I asked, as we sipped mulled wine in the newly installed Amabuck’s North Pole shop.

“Oh,” Elvin sighed. “Change, change, change.”

“This certainly is a welcomed change,” I said, referring to the bright, dust free surroundings.

“Yeah,” he agreed. “It beats the workroom where we used to meet, but it’s soulless. No sound from the woodcrafters, no aromas from the paint and lacquers, too many LED lights, too many ads urging us to try this or that mixture of fattening refreshments.”

“Well, Santa’s big business these days,” I said.

“Yeah,” Elvin sighed again. “The place is overrun with B-School consultants focused on finances rather than the production of toys. What kind of kid wants a 529 college savings account from Grinch Bros.?”

To change the subject, I asked, “What’s this I hear about Santa having to relocate because of climate change?”

“Oh, that too!” Elvin suppressed a tear. “The ice is melting. The reindeer are molting all the time. The Association of Polar Proprietors has become a tourist agency. Chinese and Finnish excursion vessels are plowing through what’s left of the ice flows. Thousands of chilled passengers chatter as they throw rice cakes to the seals.”

“Where will Santa’s workshop move?” I asked.

“Who knows?” Elvin’s desperation trembled through his cry. “They’re here all the time.”

“Who are they?” I wanted to know.

“The economic developers from every small and large town between here and the Antarctic,” he replied. “They come with their pamphlets and Power Points showing exactly why relocating to Sweet Gulch (AR, KY, or WV) is the optimal choice for the New Santa’s Workshop and Family Resort.”

“Have you had representations from Indiana?” I asked.

“Have we ever?” Elvin said. “The folks from Santa Claus in Spencer County believe they have first rights for a relocated facility. Purdue and Musk offered to build Santa a fleet of electric sleighs, displacing our beloved, but polluting reindeer. IU and Indiana Wesleyan promised year-round seminars on Symbolism and Sacrifice on each of their vassal campuses.”

“I hesitate to say this,” I said, “you’re opposed change of every sort.”

“Darn right!” Elvin was emphatic. “Santa, the sleigh, the reindeer, the single family home, the stockings on the fireplace, gifts for children, these are traditional and are under the constant threat of accelerating commercialism.”

“Does Santa deny the blessings of unrestrained entrepreneurism?” I queried.

“Santa’s a traditional fellow,” Elvin responded. “He’s benevolent, but not stupid. He feels the disrespect of scantily-dressed cheerleaders wearing Santa-like costumes. He disapproves of the bell-ringers, stuffed with pillows, appealing for good causes in his likeness. He finds no joy in being tracked by intrusive NORAD.”

“Well,” I concluded, “he’ll get used to monetizing his celebrity. The times, they have changed.”
Morton J. Marcus is an economist formerly with the Kelley School of Business at Indiana University. His column appears in Indiana newspapers, and his views can be followed his podcast.

© 2024 Morton J. Marcus

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