Exclusive report: Santa distressed by constraints on traditional privileges. Annual visits possibly delayed or eliminated. Negotiations still in progress.

Yes, that’s what I learned on my usual December visit to meet with Elvin Elfenhousen, the majordomo of Santa’s workshop. Elvin looked tired and unusually anxious as he said, “The Boss is tired and unusually anxious.”

“What’s the trouble,” I asked.

“What isn’t?” was his terse reply. But he continued, “Tariffs! The goofs in D.C. want us to pay tariffs on the goods we deliver. All our gifts are made right here in our North Pole workshops.”

“That means they are imported,” I clarified.

“From where?” he quizzed. “This place is not part of any country. We are not subject to U.S., Canadian, Norwegian, or Russian regulation. But Washington wants us to pay tariffs as if we were in a foreign country.

“But there’s more,” he continued. “Our products carry no price. So 2 percent or 50 percent of what is the expected payment to the U.S. Treasury? No other country has ever imposed tariffs on us. The only compensation received are the cookies and milk Santa gets on his visits.”

Elvin paused, the wrinkles on his brow deepening. He then sighed and said, “The U.S. Department of Labor wants to inspect our workshops for health and safety violations. It’s preposterous; we don’t work as modern shops do. Our tools and methods are at least two centuries old. All the elves are meticulously trained. We haven’t had an accident since Sonia Sonogram scratched herself on a salient splinter in 1876.”

“Furthermore,” he was wound up now, “the U.S. Department of Transportation is challenging our right to draw the sled with reindeer. They claim reindeer and sled are not certified by the Federal Aviation Administration as air worthy.

“The Environmental Protection Agency is concerned that the reindeer with relieve themselves in unauthorized areas.

“Customs and Immigration is suspicious that illegal elves are being employed at the North Pole.

“The Justice Department claims elves are voting.

“The Defense (War) Department demands an inventory of the drones we control.

“The Congress objects to elves taking jobs from American workers.

“And, worst of all, the Supreme Court has, without a hearing, declared us unconstitutional because we are not mentioned in that document.”

“How do you manage under such a barrage of busywork?” I asked.

“It’s very tough,” Elvin sighed. “When your President Trump said he wanted to incorporate Canada and Greenland into the U.S., we were terrified. Then we looked around and couldn’t find anything with which we could defend ourselves. Our toys are for peaceful play.

“All we had on our shelves and in our cabinets were the letters of joy and appreciation from children. And the U.S. Postal Service wanted to check them for the correct postage.”
Morton J. Marcus is an economist formerly with the Kelley School of Business at Indiana University. His column appears in Indiana newspapers, and his views can be followed his podcast.

© 2025 Morton J. Marcus

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